My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Sext me about skeletons
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
