I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
