She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
