So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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