So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
