he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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