Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
