it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
