I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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