'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Randomize
