Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
