I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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