my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
