Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
