i need an iv and a liver transplant
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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