If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
