dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
