Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
