I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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