"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I'm really busy with my period
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