your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
