Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
