I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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