I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
