worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
