Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
