Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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