I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Randomize
