you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Randomize
