I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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