why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
