God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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