I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
