one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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