I just threw up on my dentist
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
