Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Randomize
