I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
