Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
