I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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