I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
