So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
