did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
