I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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