Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
