He disabled his match.com account in front of me
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
