I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
