I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
