dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
