Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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