when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
