the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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